Once upon a time, pre-children and marriage and smartphone maps, my friend and I went to Italy. For reasons that I still don’t understand, when we visited Florence, we only had a printed map from the 16th century (see: Resource). It made the journey through town somewhat challenging, but the stakes were low. We were having fun, eating gelato, and exploring.
10 years ago, when my single motherhood journey started, I wanted a map so desperately. The map I had was given to me by my parents. It showed the way to a successful marriage and a joyous parenting experience. It was lovely. But it did not contain information on divorce and parallel parenting. Frantic, I remember going to the library and looking for books about how to be a single mom.
I’d arrived at the deep metaphor of Journey.
“Journey is the most widely examined and universally felt … it’s rooted in our awareness of time, evolution, progress, and maturation … On life’s journey we crave control over our bodies, minds, and resources.” – Zaltman and Zaltman1
Journeys
· have destinations, but the consequences may be positive or negative and known or unknown (unknown Journeys can be exciting or stressful).
· may be smooth or involve many obstacles (all Journeys have ups and downs).
· can be fast or slow.
· are taken alone, with others, for our own benefit or the benefit of others.
In my Italy example, the journey was unknown but exciting therefore positive, it felt leisurely, and was taken for my benefit and the benefit of my friend.
My single motherhood Journey was also unknown, but felt very stressful. It was full of obstacles and taken alone for the benefit of my kids. It was a long, grim journey for many, many years.
What I wish I’d known at the time is that if you are on a rough stretch of road: “Regaining or maintaining control on an unknown journey matters greatly, especially if we view the journey as negative.”
How do you maintain control when so much feels out of control? You pay attention, take action, and relax your grip (see: Control). You deserve a good Journey filled with delights.
Where do you want to end up? Exercise: Because you are venturing into the unknown, you’ll need your imagination to guide you and give you a sense of Control. One way to help you relax your grip is to draw your own map. Get a blank piece of paper and a pen. Sketch out the terrain. Label it. Create a legend. Every Journey has a destination, decide where you want to travel to, what parts you want to seek out or avoid, and with whom you’re traveling. Your map can evolve over time.
The long-term journey map I drew up awhile ago depicts myself and my kids in a boat, surrounded by an armada of friends and family. It has an island in the distance called “The Isle of Harmony.” There are labels for treacherous water to avoid, an island labeled “The Black Hole”, fun stops along the way. I’m seeking harmony and moments of delight.
You can also use this exercise to map a short-term journey (I highly recommend mapping your day if you are feeling super stressed). It’s all about pointing yourself in the right direction. “I want to end my day by reading in bed with my kids” or “I want to end my day feeling like I did a good job on that work project.” As writer Annie Dillard famously wrote, “How we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives.”
As always, this is a rough-cut excerpt from a book I’m writing about how to change your narrative as a single mom. How’s it going for you?
*Marketing Metaphoria, Zaltman and Zaltman