When I’m stressed out about single mom things, I’ll often call my long-time friend and fellow single mom Karen for support. She’ll usually sigh, and then remind me to try to sit lightly in the saddle of life.
I usually respond with, “But I AM sitting lightly!!”
And then I look down at the reins. I am gripping them with white knuckles, the horse is at a standstill, and I’m in a bad part of town. I’m always surprised at this.
“But I thought I was being chill! I thought I was sitting lightly, trotting along!”
At this point in my horse narrative, I try to take a deep breath and visualize loosening my grip on the reins and patting the horse’s neck. I look around at the scenery. Life is supposed to be enjoyed at a gentle pace. Trust the horse.
I’ve found that paying attention helps immensely with the metaphor of Control. As poet Mary Oliver says, “To pay attention, this is our enduring and proper work.”
Step 1: Pay attention.
Are you gripping the reins? If so, relax your grip. A quick way to release stress is to go outside, meditate, or do some focused breathing exercises for five minutes. Better yet, do all three.
Control is the “ability to intervene effectively in life’s events and choices.” Key word: effectively.
As single moms, we may not have a supportive partner to help think through our decisions (this has been a hard one for me). Some people look at this as the ultimate gift of Control. “You get to make ALL the parenting decisions!” I just find it exhausting. It’s a decision fatigue disaster that results in ineffective interventions.
Decision fatigue is “the idea that after making many decisions, your ability to make more and more decisions over the course of a day becomes worse,” said Dr. MacLean, a psychiatrist. – American Medical Association
Great.
We are tired, making bad decisions, and the stakes are so high because we have such little margin for error as single moms.
Sure, it doesn’t matter so much if you decide to have grilled cheese for dinner vs. spaghetti. (In truth, I’ve often texted my friend Karen to ask – what should I make for dinner?). But the more serious decisions are different. If your kid is struggling at school, who should you talk to and what should you say? Should you move classes, move schools? It’s a high-level decision with greater implications. The final decision is yours. That’s a lot of pressure!
Step 2: Look around at the scenery.
Is this a high-level decision you are making? If so, make it in the morning. Sleep on it. Make it after consulting with a few people who really care about you and will tell it to your straight. (Aka don’t go online to seek truth – the algorithmic answers will likely only confirm your bias).
But what about the things that are truly outside your Control? Like the feeling that no matter how many times you pray, meditate, call out for relief, or beg for help nothing seems to be getting better.
Step 3: Let go of the reins.
There was a moment in my single mom journey where I realized I was out of control. The more I gripped and tried to control everything, the worse things got. That’s when I let go of the reins, leaned forward to pet the horse’s neck, and listen for God’s voice (not my own). This was new territory for me.
Prior to this, the idea of God was always out there, somewhere above the clouds - a concept for intellectual discussion. My idea of God was a good, Midwestern Lutheran God that represented Love and church coffee. And then suddenly, God was very close by, helping me think through my choices, helping me intervene effectively, helping me stop gripping everything.
Mind you, I was still showing up for my kids, trying to negotiate with my difficult ex, trying to save enough money to pay my bills. All those things were still happening. It’s not like I was sitting on the couch going, “Well I give up, it’s all yours God.” It was more like, “Oh. I get it now. We do this TOGETHER.” I finally experienced the slippery, ephemeral concept of Grace (more on this topic at a later date).
Why does all of this matter?
Who cares if I know whether I’m being too controlling? To shift your single mom narrative, you need to take effective action. To take effective action, you need to understand the story you’re telling yourself (as painful as that might be). An effective way to understand and interpret your story is to work with the deep metaphors that are in play.
Sitting on the Horse Exercise: On a piece of paper, write down everything that is stressing you out. Then identify a “take the reins” action and a “let go of the reins” action. Soon you’ll be trotting along and enjoying the ride, perhaps even wielding a sword to advocate for others.
Ex: Everything seems to be going wrong. Will my kids be okay?
Take the reins (Stop what you’re doing and give them a hug), let go of the reins (Pray, meditate. Ask the divine for help), or decide to do both!
There are larger forces at work in this world – whether that’s God, the Divine, Mother Nature, Spirit. Your story is part of the great narrative, let it support you.
As always, this is a rough-cut excerpt from a book I’m writing about how to change your narrative as a single mom. How’s it going for you?
Horse analogy always works on a single mom from Kentucky!
I love this analogy. I am no longer a single parent, but I sure could've used your advice 30 years ago. Right now, I am a caregiver for a vulnerable disabled adult and everything you said in this article can be applied to me as well. Between working full time (thankfully online from home), making and getting to doctor appointments and keeping up with the home care services; it can all be overwhelming. I will try your exercise as it applies to me. Thanks for keeping up with writing your articles. I look forward to your next tip/trick for staying in balance.