There’s this great children’s book by Eric Carle called The Very Hungry Caterpillar. The simple premise is that this caterpillar is hungry, but it starts eating things that aren’t good for it, like ice cream cones and Swiss cheese and sausage. It gets a stomachache. Eventually, it realizes it needs to eat things that are good for it, like green leaves. Things turn around and the very hungry caterpillar emerges as a beautiful butterfly.
For many years, when it came to finances, I viewed myself like a deranged, very, hungry caterpillar. I ate into my savings. I ate into my 401K contribution. I ate into my Roth IRA and mutual funds. And then, I ate into my ability to pay off my credit cards every month. It gave me a stomachache to feel like I was just sliding deeper and deeper into debt. It was the wrong kind of Transformation.
Mind you, in my former life, I had savings and no debt. It was unthinkable. It never occurred to me. Just spend less and save more! Easy. I didn’t have a formal budget, but I knew intuitively how to save, invest, and not overspend.
What was I doing wrong?! I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was surviving.
When you become a single mom, everything changes, finances included. The obvious part of the financial equation is that you suddenly have half of the income but all the expenses. Seems like you just need to do some straightforward math, right? Let’s just calmly sit down and rethink how you spend and save, okay? Let’s make a new budget. Scale back. Reprioritize. Seems like a logical plan.
Except I wasn’t logical because I wasn’t calm. I was in a reactive state of chronic stress. Having a difficult ex took everything out of me. My emotional and psychological Resources were taxed, and so I leaned heavily on my financial Resources. I was robbing Peter to pay Paul, but I knew I needed to prioritize my well-being and my kids’ well-being.
What did that look like?
I made a deal with their father that I would have the kids more, and he could pay me less child support and no spousal support. If you’re scratching your head, it’s because that’s not normally how the math works. But money was my one bargaining chip with someone who did not have the kid’s best interest in mind. It paid off. Not financially, but emotionally.
I chose to stay at a so-so job that allowed me to work from home and that didn’t require too much of my time and energy (so I could be there for the kids). The trade-off? No career advancement, no raises, no benefits.
I chose to travel and have experiences with my kids. These were simple things that cost money, like getting pumpkins from a pumpkin patch.
I chose to get help with babysitters and a house cleaner. That meant I got breaks.
I chose to get therapy for myself and my kids, and that meant extra medical costs beyond an annual doctor’s visit.
All of this added up to a shortfall of about 10K every year. I was aware I was chewing through my savings, but that caterpillar kept frantically eating. Until one day, I just stopped. I felt like I had the bandwidth, the headspace, the emotional Resources to review my financial goals. I felt like my normal, logical self again. I wasn’t deranged anymore, I never really was. And neither are you.
That said, I was ready to start eating some fresh, green leaves.
I absolutely adore the analogy of the hungry caterpillar. Not only does it put these stresses into perspective, but it places me within a larger context of community where I know I’m not alone.