I never used to walk around feeling guilty for every parenting decision I made, but that was before I became a single mom. You name it, I’ve probably felt guilty about it.
The logic, if you want to call it that, went like this: I am one person doing the job of two people, therefore I am running a constant deficit. Whatever I provide my kids will not be enough. If I don’t provide enough, there will be negative outcomes. The guilt just naturally seeped into the cracks of my logic.
Once guilt arrived on the scene, the mental frailty set in. It was a total head trip.
I tried a lot of ways to combat it. I researched statistics about successful single moms, read books about happy single moms, wrote down what I was grateful for, and so forth. They were all fine, but they didn’t make me feel better. It’s like they were all trying to go toe-to-toe with the guilt. What I needed was to transcend the guilt, to go around it.
Guilt comes from lack. And lack has to do with Resources. Time, money, space. Do you have enough? Are you enough?
The solution came from an unlikely source - Benjamin Franklin. In his diary*, he has this one page where he writes out his day. On the left-hand side are two questions: What good shall I do this day? What good have I done today? In the middle are the hours of the day. On the right-hand side are the actions he takes – work, breakfast, etc.
When I first saw it, I was like, “That’s great Ben, but what single mom can work without interruption from 8 until 11?” But I was missing the point. The left side of the page held the secret to transcending my guilt.
What good shall I do this day?
The question circumvents guilt.
It focuses the spotlight of your narrative on the positive (the “good” you will do). Guilt hates the spotlight, and would prefer you to remain in the shadows with all the “bad” things you do.
It gets you to take action (the “do”). Guilt doesn’t like action, it wants inertia.
It invites delight and opportunity (the “shall”). Guilt likes “musts” because they are so much more rigid and judgmental.
It forces you to look outside of yourself (there is no mention of “self”). Guilt preys upon your sense of self. It tempts you to look inward. If you’re not careful, you can end up staring too long at yourself.
To complete the transcendence, I make one amendment to Ben’s question.
What good shall I do this day as a single mom?
My answer is often very basic.
I shall take the time to prepare a healthy dinner for my kids, and we will eat it together.
Somehow, it is enough.
* The page from Ben’s diary that inspired me.