My loneliness, it's killing me
How the deep metaphor of Connection will have you singing a new song
My daughter has been practicing for the spring choir concert. The theme is pop music from the decades. She is playing and singing the same five songs constantly. You can probably see where this is going. One song has lodged itself in my brain.
After a week of singing in the shower and the car, I had a total “duh” moment of realization. Britney was onto something, “My loneliness WAS killing me.”*
In moments like this, I believe God or the Universe or my subconscious was trying to get my attention. “Hey you! Wake up. Pay attention. You are lonely!”
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t feel lonely in the outward sense. My external relationships were good. It was that other kind of loneliness. I felt lonely inside my head. I think this is often the case with single moms. We are so busy showing up for our kids or work or life, we neglect to spend time hanging out with ourselves.
In that moment, I had tripped over the deep metaphor of Connection.
“Connection encompasses feelings of belonging or exclusion.”** This can be a sense of connection with self or with others, and it is always a two-way street.
With Connection, you feel a wonderful sense of love and belonging. This is how it shows up for me:
· I can’t wait to see my friends this weekend!
· It’s super relaxing to go on a beach walk with my boyfriend.
· I love this song so much. It reminds me of my mom.
· Doing a Zoom call with my family makes me feel grounded.
· Laughing with my kids
· Journaling
· Going to church
· Meditating
On the flip side, you can also feel Disconnection. “Feelings of distance and separation from others reflect disconnection, like losing a friend, missing a pet, or losing a job.”*
You’ve likely hit upon Disconnection (a sense of exclusion) when you feel:
· Shame or the absence of love. For many years, I felt ashamed about being divorced.
· Lonely (see above)
· Left out (Why didn’t I get invited to that party?)
· Like you don’t know what you want (There have been times when I’ll have a free afternoon, but I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve forgotten what I like to do.)
· Like there is friction between you and your kids (I always feel a terrible sense of disconnection until an argument with my kids gets resolved)
But disconnection is not all bad. It can also involve things like unplugging from work and taking a vacation, putting some distance between yourself and a difficult family member, or saying “no” to one more volunteer request from your kid’s school.
If love is involved, Connection is likely in play.
Again, why does it matter? Understanding where you can improve Connection will help you insert more good moments into your life narrative. After my Britney insight, I journaled. In so doing I realized what I was missing. I’d gotten a promotion at work and hadn’t celebrated my accomplishment. I decided to bake myself a cake! Such a simple solution to something that was nagging me for weeks.
Hey Self! Want to Hang Out? Exercise: Loneliness can take a lot of different forms, but I’d argue that it always starts from within. If you are feeling lonely, take some time to hang out with your inner self. You are your best company. Journal, go for a walk, take a shower, go to the gym to get back into your body. Trust me, you’ll tell yourself what you really need. Soon, you’ll be singing happy songs to yourself. Perhaps even a pop song from the 1990s.
Next week we’ll take a deeper dive into Connection.
As always, this is a rough-cut excerpt from a book I’m writing about how to change your narrative as a single mom. Let me know what you think.